OK OK, maybe they were not actually used in public, but they sure got some online exposure. Very funny !!
Can you imagine somebody doing this in Times Square, New York. Awesome….
I was sent this link years ago, just found it… So addictive 
Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg. Paddy says “me feet are freezing mate could you nip upstairs and get me slippers for me”?
“No bother” says murphy and nips upstairs, there he sees paddy’s two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sitting on their bed.
“hello girls” he says, “yer dad sent me upstairs tae shag ye both”. “Fuck off ya liar” they say. “I’ll prove it” says murphy. he shouts down the stairs, “both of them paddy”?
“Of course” paddy says, “what’s the use of fucking one!
John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life!, between the legs of me wife!”
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the Best toast of the night”. She said, “Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?” John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.” “Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, “John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.”
She said, “Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he’s only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him
come.”
‘Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They managed to bag 6. As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose. The two lads objected strongly. ‘Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours.’ Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.
However, even on full power, the little plane couldn’t handle the load and went down. Somehow,surrounded by the moose bodies, Paddy, Mick & the pilot survived the crash.
After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, ‘Any idea where we are?”
I think we’re pretty close to where we crashed last year.’
The following is the transcript of an actual radio conversation in October 1995, between a US Navy ship and The British authorities, off the Scottish North coast. The transcript was released by the MoD on 10/10/95.
BRITISH : Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid collision.
US Navy : Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
BRITISH : Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
US Navy : This is the Captain of US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
BRITISH : Negative. I say again. You will have to divert your course.
US NAVY : THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN. THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES’ ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THATS 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
BRITISH : We are a lighthouse. F*ck off
Little Johnny watched his daddy’s car pass by the school Playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.
Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother. ‘Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy’s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane…’
At this point Mommy cut him off and said, ‘Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy’s face when you tell it tonight.’
At the dinner table that evening, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, ‘I was at the playground and I saw Daddy’s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army.’
Mommy fainted!
Moral: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt!
Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick’s Day. Mick, the bartender says, ‘You’ll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy’. Paddy replies, ‘OK Mick, I’ll
be on my way then’. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. ‘Shoite’ he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face,
‘Shoite, Shoite !’
He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he’ll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.
‘Bi’Jesus…. I’m fockin ‘ focked,’ he says.
He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says ‘No fockin’ way’. He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says ‘I can make it to the bed’. He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says ‘ Fock it ‘ and falls into bed.
The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, ‘Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?’ Paddy says, ‘I did, Jess. I was fockin’ pissed. But how’d you know?’
‘Mick phoned . . . you left your wheelchair at the pub.
In a western saloon, the town idiot enters and screams, “Black Hand is coming. He’ll kill everyone!” A commotion starts and Joe, a lone traveller, looks on in amazement. The bartender is about to rush off, but Joe stops him with a cocky attitude. “You! What the hell is going on?” “Black Hand is coming. He’ll kill everyone!
“What a load of nancies!” Joe thinks, and carries on sipping on his drink. Nothing happens for ten minutes. All of a sudden, someone kicks the doors off their hinges. A huge man is blocking out the sunlight. He wears black leather gloves with mettle mesh wrapped round them, his arms are thicker than a woman’s waist and his face is the scariest thing Joe’s ever seen in his life. “Blow my pecker!” screams the man as he flops out his foot-long flaccid man-piece. Terrified, Joe obeys. After a minute, the man commands, “Faster!” Joe obeys. “Faster, you sissy!” he thunders. Miffed, Joe plucks up the courage to speak. “What’s with all this? Why so fast?” he snaps. “Did you not hear?” replies the giant nervously, “Black Hand is coming. He’ll kill everyone!”
